Door or Window... Open or Closed...

Yesterday was my last day as the Jewish Campus Service Corps Fellow at CSUN Hillel.

I had a ton of crap in my office that I brought home and desperaterly need to unpack, but have no desire to be anything but lazy at the moment.

Despite KNOWING that I'm going back there for lunch tomorrow I'm still devastated.

I got through the day and made it 3 whole stop lights before I started to cry when I left...

And I learned something - I don't know that I can call it an epiphany or a revelation - but, it is something. Here goes:
When I am doing something I dedicate myself to whatever it is so completely that it becomes part of my identity and being. When it is time to move on, I loose that part of myself which I leave behind.

The process of loosing that part of me which I leave behind is incredibly painful. (If you know me well you know that I am hypersensitive, especially to things of this manner.

Of course, that also means that I take part of it with me. And, I daresay that I take more with me than I leave.
The person that I am today, and mostly because of the job I have held for the past two years.

When I started working for Hillel I figured that it would be a good way to give back to the community and help students build their own community. That definitely was the case. What I could not have expected was that I would learn so much and get such fullfillment out of the time I have spent with students and my coworkers. And from the experiences that I have had.

In many ways I have a hard time leaving because there is so much more that I could do - but, as my friend (and now former boss) always says: "The to-do list is never done."

And, I'm going to school because I want to come back to Hillel. While I know that the best way for me to learn is by doing, I know that there is a lot that I can learn in school that will make the practical easier - or at least more quality.

Besides, in classic Alicia over-achieveing fashion, I'm not doing only one, but 2 masters simultaneously, and at different schools. Yes, the schools do have recognized dual-programs, but why would I go the easier (and FAR cheaper route) when I can do something groundbreaking - Make my own! In my defense, I looked at the existing programs and was not interested in the programs that are offered. Rather, I found programs in the area that I really want to study (Student Affairs) and because the one that really was the only one I thought was exciting is at one of the schools (USC) that has the joint programs I decided to do what I want... Today I met with the asst. director of the Jewish Communal Service program at HUC, and the faculty lead from my program at USC, and its looking VERY promising! While I'm going to have to pay separate tuitions to both schools, I should be able to make it all work.

So, new beginnings. I'm ready. Change is hard, but without it - we never go anywhere and that would be damn boring.