Sitting at home alone on a Saturday night, I decided to do some writing for you, my fabulous readers...
Yesterday was my orientation at USC. It was quite the wake-up call for me. Not that I wasn't quite aware that I was going to be back in a predominately non-Jewish place, and very excited about it, but, when it happened it was quite a shock to the system.
Talk about reverse culture shock.
~ There was no food for the first two hours. OK - not that big a deal, right? DUDE coming out of the Jew world where there is food every time you turn around I didn't know what to do with myself. Now, I didn't realize how weird it was until an hour and a half into the session when I started looking for the food. But, still.
~I was aware of my Jew-isms (yiddish & hebrew) and that I needed to make sure to tone them down. But, I didn't realize that it would be so tiring being aware of this. I was exhausted last night after I got home. However, I didn't know why it was that I was so tired. I guess that will be one of my new added thinking exhaustions.
~ The idea of multiple events being on Friday nights and Saturdays and having to explain why Im not ok with that. In truth, the first Jew I met of the day also happened to be the last person I met - the social chair of the social network. It was nice that I didnt have to explain it.
So, where does that leave me? I am thrilled to be out of a Jew bubble, if only for a couple years. I don't think I realized how much of a bubble I've been in for the last three years. I knew that WUJS was a bubble, and I knew that Hillel has a bit of that, but I have non-Jewish friends, plenty of them! And, for the past couple years the only regular social life I have had has been with non-Jewish friends. However, I've lived a totally Jewish life in a Jewish community in a secular society.
I've been thinking a lot about this. There is a lot about how I live my life Jewishly now that I didn't do before three years ago. I know that going into the next two years I am going to have a lot of choices to make. As much as I felt that leaving Israel and coming back to the States was leaving where it is so easy and natural to be Jewish and live Jewishly, but, it was still part of my everyday surroundings. We closed early on Fridays for Shabbat. Saturdays are still Shabbat. No need to worry if I am going to choose to work or not on hag. Did I keep these days over the past couple years because it was convient? Do I want to observe them?
And, who do I talk to about this? My Rabbi? That makes sense. He'll be back in town in a couple weeks - but the more I think about it, how much does a rabbi know about being in the secular society all the time? I adore him, and of course my Rabbi is someone I would trust, but I'm still not sure that I should be, or want to be talking to him about it. Totally odd and weird, but still. So, then I got to thinking, who is the person that I usually go to.
The wise person that I want to talk to about decisions that I need to make in my life; well, the problem there is that I am trying to not be so attached to that person right now. That I don't know where we stand anymore and I don't know how to confront it so I'm trying to be strong and independent so that I know I can handle it. But can I? Sure, I can - but is that what I want. Do I want to be strong and independent and not have contact with someone who I think, or was it thought, is a good friend and confidant. The situation has changed. Do I have the right to ask advice stil? Isn't that what mentors are? Or was I misguided thinking that was the right label? And, really, why do I obsess?
So, who do I go to on this one? Its as big a question as the questions themselves...
And I thought the hardest part of grad school was going to be the studying.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
One in 10,000
You would think that with all the writing that I've been doing for school these days (including the take-home History final that I wrote tonight) the last thing I would want to do it write, but I guess that if the muse hits then I should follow it, right?
In any case, there have been a few other times that I have wanted to write over the past few weeks and for whatever reason (ok, because of homework) I have not had a chance.
Last Sunday I attended a rally in support of Israel that was held in front of the LA Federation building. In the days leading up to the rally, I had been thinking a lot about Israel. I felt constantly glued to NPR, as I felt that was the most neutral of the news sources available to me. I made the website for the daily Israeli newspaper Ha'aretz my homepage, so that even if I didn't have time to read, I would at least be confronted with the most up to date headlines whenever I clicked onto internet explorer. As the days passed and the situation/crisis/war (whatever you want to call it) in Israel and Lebanon continued to strengthen, I realized more and more that the media, even the outlets that I expected to be a bit more neutral were only talking about the effects on the Lebanese citizens. What about the Israelis? The citizens of the north who are sitting in shelters, or who are going to work and about their lives i the north - praying that the next rocket won't be in their path - because they must continue to live their lives. Its not that I do not feel for the Lebanese, but I do want to see fair coverage for the Israelis as well. There was story after story about the American students studying in Beirut that were evacuated, what about the ulpan students at Haifa whose program was also cancelled?
For the first time I can remember singing the Start Spangled Banner (is that really the name of the natoinal anthem, it suddenly struck me how odd that is) was something that I was feeling. That I could connect with my American identity at a time where I was so outwardly showing what I consider to be more central - my Jewish and Zionist identities - was absurd. Not absurd in a weird or bad way, but in an unknown and odd way - Im sure theres a better word for it, but I cant think of it for the life of me.
In any case, there have been a few other times that I have wanted to write over the past few weeks and for whatever reason (ok, because of homework) I have not had a chance.
Last Sunday I attended a rally in support of Israel that was held in front of the LA Federation building. In the days leading up to the rally, I had been thinking a lot about Israel. I felt constantly glued to NPR, as I felt that was the most neutral of the news sources available to me. I made the website for the daily Israeli newspaper Ha'aretz my homepage, so that even if I didn't have time to read, I would at least be confronted with the most up to date headlines whenever I clicked onto internet explorer. As the days passed and the situation/crisis/war (whatever you want to call it) in Israel and Lebanon continued to strengthen, I realized more and more that the media, even the outlets that I expected to be a bit more neutral were only talking about the effects on the Lebanese citizens. What about the Israelis? The citizens of the north who are sitting in shelters, or who are going to work and about their lives i the north - praying that the next rocket won't be in their path - because they must continue to live their lives. Its not that I do not feel for the Lebanese, but I do want to see fair coverage for the Israelis as well. There was story after story about the American students studying in Beirut that were evacuated, what about the ulpan students at Haifa whose program was also cancelled?
Back to the rally. I have never been to a similar event - and it is a testament to the great community that I am training to serve in the future. The Jewish Federation of LA has a great photo gallery of the estimated 10,000 people in attendance at the Rally. I must say that I cried a lot throughout the rally - of course, no one noticed considering the oppressing heat that LA had been facing until today. My friend Clifford here is featured in the gallery as well. I love that Cliffy!
For the first time I can remember singing the Start Spangled Banner (is that really the name of the natoinal anthem, it suddenly struck me how odd that is) was something that I was feeling. That I could connect with my American identity at a time where I was so outwardly showing what I consider to be more central - my Jewish and Zionist identities - was absurd. Not absurd in a weird or bad way, but in an unknown and odd way - Im sure theres a better word for it, but I cant think of it for the life of me.
The Governator himself was of the speakers at the rally. He spoke of his love of Israel - how he visited in the 70s as a bodybuilder, the 80s as the Terminator, the 90s (for some reason I cant remember) and again in 2003, in his first foreign trip after becoming Governor. (I do remember when he was in Israel, as I was also - mostly I was refusing to call him my governor.) He ended by saying "Thank you, and I'll be back." His speech was good, succinct, to the point, pro-Israel and good to the Lebanese citizens. Definitely went over very well with the crowd. I enjoyed, then turned to my friend (and soon to be roommate) Mel, and said "I liked it, but he's still not getting my vote."
Oh my! There are so many people! OK - I was at the front (by the end I think there was maybe one person separating me from the security fence) I could see nothing of what was behind me - but I could feel the energy in the air (through the heat and humidity) and I was energized. Exhausted, drenched with sweat and exhillirated. It is an amazing place to be, Los Angeles, with a fabulous community of fellow Israel lovers of all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds.
If it wasn't past midnight and/or I didn't need to get up for the theatre in the morning, I would surely have more to tell you - but, that is not the case.
Until next time... keep on dreaming!
Sunday, June 18, 2006
A New Beginning
I'm too tired to be writing this. Honestly, I should be asleep - but, I do this to myself and I choose to stay awake.
I spent the majority of 3pm Thursday thru 10pm Saturday with the School of Jewish Communal Service (SJCS) of Hebrew Union College - Jewish Institute of Religion (LA campus). WOW - now, that was a mouthfull!
"Thursday Fun" started at the beach with some simple 'ice breakers', a beach photo scavenger hunt, and sand sculptures, all followed by dinner at one of our classmates' homes. Friday morning was the Official Semester Kick off with the entire School of JCS, and while we spent half of Friday on campus, it was a retreat and we did go "away" for Shabbat.
There are a lot of things I took from this weekend. First, I am so happy that I have found a school that places such a great emphasis on the importance of community - hence the retreat. I had a marvelous time getting to know the rest of the students of the SJCS. I have already challenged what is comfortable for me. And, I realized at our closing program that we have already created an incredible safe space within our community.
Needless to say, I'm thrilled to spend the rest of the summer, and the better part of the next two years with these people.
I spent the majority of 3pm Thursday thru 10pm Saturday with the School of Jewish Communal Service (SJCS) of Hebrew Union College - Jewish Institute of Religion (LA campus). WOW - now, that was a mouthfull!
"Thursday Fun" started at the beach with some simple 'ice breakers', a beach photo scavenger hunt, and sand sculptures, all followed by dinner at one of our classmates' homes. Friday morning was the Official Semester Kick off with the entire School of JCS, and while we spent half of Friday on campus, it was a retreat and we did go "away" for Shabbat.
There are a lot of things I took from this weekend. First, I am so happy that I have found a school that places such a great emphasis on the importance of community - hence the retreat. I had a marvelous time getting to know the rest of the students of the SJCS. I have already challenged what is comfortable for me. And, I realized at our closing program that we have already created an incredible safe space within our community.
Needless to say, I'm thrilled to spend the rest of the summer, and the better part of the next two years with these people.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Door or Window... Open or Closed...
Yesterday was my last day as the Jewish Campus Service Corps Fellow at CSUN Hillel.
I had a ton of crap in my office that I brought home and desperaterly need to unpack, but have no desire to be anything but lazy at the moment.
Despite KNOWING that I'm going back there for lunch tomorrow I'm still devastated.
I got through the day and made it 3 whole stop lights before I started to cry when I left...
And I learned something - I don't know that I can call it an epiphany or a revelation - but, it is something. Here goes:
When I am doing something I dedicate myself to whatever it is so completely that it becomes part of my identity and being. When it is time to move on, I loose that part of myself which I leave behind.
The process of loosing that part of me which I leave behind is incredibly painful. (If you know me well you know that I am hypersensitive, especially to things of this manner.
Of course, that also means that I take part of it with me. And, I daresay that I take more with me than I leave.
The person that I am today, and mostly because of the job I have held for the past two years.
When I started working for Hillel I figured that it would be a good way to give back to the community and help students build their own community. That definitely was the case. What I could not have expected was that I would learn so much and get such fullfillment out of the time I have spent with students and my coworkers. And from the experiences that I have had.
In many ways I have a hard time leaving because there is so much more that I could do - but, as my friend (and now former boss) always says: "The to-do list is never done."
And, I'm going to school because I want to come back to Hillel. While I know that the best way for me to learn is by doing, I know that there is a lot that I can learn in school that will make the practical easier - or at least more quality.
Besides, in classic Alicia over-achieveing fashion, I'm not doing only one, but 2 masters simultaneously, and at different schools. Yes, the schools do have recognized dual-programs, but why would I go the easier (and FAR cheaper route) when I can do something groundbreaking - Make my own! In my defense, I looked at the existing programs and was not interested in the programs that are offered. Rather, I found programs in the area that I really want to study (Student Affairs) and because the one that really was the only one I thought was exciting is at one of the schools (USC) that has the joint programs I decided to do what I want... Today I met with the asst. director of the Jewish Communal Service program at HUC, and the faculty lead from my program at USC, and its looking VERY promising! While I'm going to have to pay separate tuitions to both schools, I should be able to make it all work.
So, new beginnings. I'm ready. Change is hard, but without it - we never go anywhere and that would be damn boring.
I had a ton of crap in my office that I brought home and desperaterly need to unpack, but have no desire to be anything but lazy at the moment.
Despite KNOWING that I'm going back there for lunch tomorrow I'm still devastated.
I got through the day and made it 3 whole stop lights before I started to cry when I left...
And I learned something - I don't know that I can call it an epiphany or a revelation - but, it is something. Here goes:
When I am doing something I dedicate myself to whatever it is so completely that it becomes part of my identity and being. When it is time to move on, I loose that part of myself which I leave behind.
The process of loosing that part of me which I leave behind is incredibly painful. (If you know me well you know that I am hypersensitive, especially to things of this manner.
Of course, that also means that I take part of it with me. And, I daresay that I take more with me than I leave.
The person that I am today, and mostly because of the job I have held for the past two years.
When I started working for Hillel I figured that it would be a good way to give back to the community and help students build their own community. That definitely was the case. What I could not have expected was that I would learn so much and get such fullfillment out of the time I have spent with students and my coworkers. And from the experiences that I have had.
In many ways I have a hard time leaving because there is so much more that I could do - but, as my friend (and now former boss) always says: "The to-do list is never done."
And, I'm going to school because I want to come back to Hillel. While I know that the best way for me to learn is by doing, I know that there is a lot that I can learn in school that will make the practical easier - or at least more quality.
Besides, in classic Alicia over-achieveing fashion, I'm not doing only one, but 2 masters simultaneously, and at different schools. Yes, the schools do have recognized dual-programs, but why would I go the easier (and FAR cheaper route) when I can do something groundbreaking - Make my own! In my defense, I looked at the existing programs and was not interested in the programs that are offered. Rather, I found programs in the area that I really want to study (Student Affairs) and because the one that really was the only one I thought was exciting is at one of the schools (USC) that has the joint programs I decided to do what I want... Today I met with the asst. director of the Jewish Communal Service program at HUC, and the faculty lead from my program at USC, and its looking VERY promising! While I'm going to have to pay separate tuitions to both schools, I should be able to make it all work.
So, new beginnings. I'm ready. Change is hard, but without it - we never go anywhere and that would be damn boring.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Living in LA
So, June seems to be the time of change in my life. And, I decided that with all the changes that I'm facing I need to do everything I can to make change. That involved 2 things: moving my bed to a different wall, and starting a blog.
On erev Shavuot I was driving home from work early in the afternoon. Yes, we were closing early that day, but I left extra early cause I was sick. Now, I NEVER get sick (it had been 5 years) so you know I was feeling pretty bad to leave work early (after all, Im the girl that they have to force to take vacation days).
Anyway, back to my drive. I was not so happy with the traffic on the freeway at 1pm on a Thursday, so I got off and was taking Wilshire Blvd. east to get home. Now, I drive west on Wilshire many a morning to get to work, but there is something different. In the mornings the stores aren't open, and the roads move relatively easily. I don't think much of driving through the heart of Beverly Hills, passing Rodeo Drive, and the fancy stores that I would never feel comfortable going near. As I drove more slowly, and in my desperate to get to my bed stupor, I saw things in a different light. I saw people dressed in the most "perfect" outfits, with the hair and make-up done just right going in and out of stores. I saw at least one woman who I sure spends all of her time shopping in over-priced establishments. And, I saw a woman with the most artifical breasts I have ever seen. Boobs just do not sit as hers did.
This got me to thinking - why am I here? I mean, I hear all the time how fake LA is. But, that is from what I call the "media" version of LA - the version where everyone is talking about that area of Beverly Hills I drove through. Or the hip and trendy clubs on Sunset. Or the areas where the Hollywood rich and famous hang out. That is all great. And, oh so close to where I live. But thats not me. Thats not my LA. My LA is full of incredibly diverse people. And I love the people I know. My neighborhood is full of immigrants - I hear Farsi and Hebrew out the windows of my apartment building. The grocery store I shop in most often makes me feel almost like I am in Israel. I spend my Sunday nights with the best friends a girl could have - we represent many different cultures. In that group I have nieces and nephews on all colors. And, I wouldn't want it any other way. I live in a neighborhood where I can walk to at least 2 dozen shuls... although I only frequent a handfull...
LA is full of diversity. And culture. And, if I want to find it, I can. I love LA. Thats not to say that I don't miss Israel. I often say that the only place I would live outside of LA is Israel. I miss it terribly, and I'm counting the time until I make my next visit...
I often ask myself if I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing right now. Am I where I am supposed to be? And the answer keeps coming back as YES. I am where I should be right now - and I have been doing what I should be doing. It feels right. And, yes. Beyond the plastic and the silicone, and the perfectly manicured lawns and nails of Beverly Hills - LA really is my home.
On erev Shavuot I was driving home from work early in the afternoon. Yes, we were closing early that day, but I left extra early cause I was sick. Now, I NEVER get sick (it had been 5 years) so you know I was feeling pretty bad to leave work early (after all, Im the girl that they have to force to take vacation days).
Anyway, back to my drive. I was not so happy with the traffic on the freeway at 1pm on a Thursday, so I got off and was taking Wilshire Blvd. east to get home. Now, I drive west on Wilshire many a morning to get to work, but there is something different. In the mornings the stores aren't open, and the roads move relatively easily. I don't think much of driving through the heart of Beverly Hills, passing Rodeo Drive, and the fancy stores that I would never feel comfortable going near. As I drove more slowly, and in my desperate to get to my bed stupor, I saw things in a different light. I saw people dressed in the most "perfect" outfits, with the hair and make-up done just right going in and out of stores. I saw at least one woman who I sure spends all of her time shopping in over-priced establishments. And, I saw a woman with the most artifical breasts I have ever seen. Boobs just do not sit as hers did.
This got me to thinking - why am I here? I mean, I hear all the time how fake LA is. But, that is from what I call the "media" version of LA - the version where everyone is talking about that area of Beverly Hills I drove through. Or the hip and trendy clubs on Sunset. Or the areas where the Hollywood rich and famous hang out. That is all great. And, oh so close to where I live. But thats not me. Thats not my LA. My LA is full of incredibly diverse people. And I love the people I know. My neighborhood is full of immigrants - I hear Farsi and Hebrew out the windows of my apartment building. The grocery store I shop in most often makes me feel almost like I am in Israel. I spend my Sunday nights with the best friends a girl could have - we represent many different cultures. In that group I have nieces and nephews on all colors. And, I wouldn't want it any other way. I live in a neighborhood where I can walk to at least 2 dozen shuls... although I only frequent a handfull...
LA is full of diversity. And culture. And, if I want to find it, I can. I love LA. Thats not to say that I don't miss Israel. I often say that the only place I would live outside of LA is Israel. I miss it terribly, and I'm counting the time until I make my next visit...
I often ask myself if I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing right now. Am I where I am supposed to be? And the answer keeps coming back as YES. I am where I should be right now - and I have been doing what I should be doing. It feels right. And, yes. Beyond the plastic and the silicone, and the perfectly manicured lawns and nails of Beverly Hills - LA really is my home.
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